was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
