i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize