The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
