i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
