How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
