guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
