So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
