I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
4 words: hood of his car
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
