why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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