I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
