Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
