I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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