I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
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He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
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Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize