I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
