No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
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