i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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