Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize