I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
