So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I will pee on everything he values.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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