you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
