you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
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Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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