he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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