if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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