My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
