He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
