Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
