I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
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He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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