We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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