My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
