I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Do you have feelings for this penis?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
