They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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