Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
