my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
