Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
