When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
