is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
