There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
