And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
