i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
false alarm. still invincible.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
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i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
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No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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