There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
