In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Houston, we have a squirter
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
