no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
