Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
