I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
