The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
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I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
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"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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