Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
