I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
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