I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
