So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
