And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize