Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
