I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
