I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
