If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
