i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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