I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
