i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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