Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
