I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
