Who wears a wallet chain?!
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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