My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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