i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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