Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize